Remember these funny ROSEANNE Quotes?


"You kids *are* our corny little sex jokes"

"You're not a prevert honey, you're a pervert."

"All human beings connect sex and love... except for men."

"I consider myself a good judge of people and that's why i don't like none of em."

"I am not mean, I'm crusty."

"I feel like a used piece of gum someone stuck under the table just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor."

"Now all we need is some half wit in the front yard... We are officially poor white trash."

"'Scuse me I have to go yell at Darlene."

"Hear that, Dan? All these years people though I was being a bitch; but I was just showing an opinionated, blue collar outlook!"

"Cut the crap, okay. You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad."

"Why it's only second best for our family."

"Men aren't dogs. Dogs are loyal."

"No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth."

"We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me."

"Uh no, tell him I think I'll strap the baby onto the back of the Harley and take her on her first beer run myself."

"Quick, they're gone. Change the locks."

"Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it."

"Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!"

"Watch it, young lady. You can be replaced."

"Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!"

"Ooohhh, we all know what this is about don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself."

"I consider myself a pretty good judge of people and that's why I don't like none of 'em."

"You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson."

"Use me and I'll set you on fire you bastard."

"Surprise! We want ya to leave!"

"Well say he falls down and needs an organ and I can't give him mine cus they're all full of pot."

"That’s not funny! You’re grounded ’til menopause."

"The fact that I had my nightgown in my purse should've tipped you off!"

"Face it, Jackie. Our family was screwed up. Which is probably why I got fat and why I got fat and why you kept jumping from guy to guy."

"The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did."


"Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day."

"Well, drive safe, and don't flip off anybody you can't out run."

"Eventually, like a man crossing the desert, comes sweet, sweet death."

"Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, Roseanne; there were plenty of guys standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one."

"Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people."

"You gotta lie to your wife once and awhile. How about when they try out those new recipies and you hate it."

"Can I see a wine list please, and I'll have a beer while we're waiting."

"What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself.'

"Being your own boss isn't that great a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself."

"O.k., here's the deal...It's not ok to beat up anybody. It's never o.k. to beat up women, but sometimes it's less not o.k. to beat up somebody who beats up somebody you love."

"Did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ....DJ."

"Don't touch that creamed corn."

"What is this, Mayberry???"

"I know Roseanne can be a little difficult... oh hell, she idles at difficult."

"Let me correct a few points here. I am Becky's father. By definition, therefore, not your friend. Secondly, I am your boss, which still makes me, not your friend. So in my official capacity as 'not your friend', let me tell you how it's gonna be here from now on. I ever catch you under the influence again, not only are you finished with Becky, you're out of a job."

"Ah, man. This parenthood thing sure doesn't look like it did in the brochures."

"Big day for you, Deege. Learned how to shoot pool. You bowled your own weight. Found out you gotta spit sideways when your riding on a motorcycle. Sure beats TV, huh?"

"What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time."


"I mouth off to everyone. People love that about me."

"I am not moving to DJ's room so that Becky and my dork in-law can concieve some demon spawn in my bed."

"We both know I'm smarter, if you dropped the both of us off in the middle of the woods, I'd find my way out and poor little Becky would crawl into a hollow log and die.'

"You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love."

"The only way I'm going to Prom is if I can sit in the rafters with a bucket of pigs blood."

"I'm probably gonna start throwing like a girl now."

"Stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of the Outsiders can just go rumble someplace else."

"God, it's mom. It's mom tar-tar."

"Don't get excited...I basically chose you over death."

"Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table, and let them gnaw 'til they're full."

"Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad after-school special.'

"How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the loony-bin, yet D.J. walks free."

"If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet."

"It's over, Rat-boy."

"Gee, I'd love to Mom, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes."


"Yes she does! My mom said shes having a giant stick removed from her butt!"

"Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?'

"Hockey is great. You get to hurt guys and people clap."

"Hey mom look, I ate my poptart into the shape of a gun"


"How come we never say grace?"

"Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you."

"I haven't said anything in two days. Nobody's cared."

"Cool, when can I shave my pits?"


"Yeah...or maybe I just never found the right guy and you just never found the wrong doughnut."

"Doll napper! Thieving, evil rotten doll napper! Admit it! Admit it!"

"Well, we can't all be a happily married couple who love each other and who each weigh 500 pounds!"

"Don't you dare call her mom. You may call her Bev, or Sea-Hag."

"Same thing that you always do, Roseanne. You sit up there on your... Roseanne: Pedestal."

"Not me, I don't have's just me. Me and my ganja."

"What's that? Okay, I'll tell her. The coffee says that you're a meddling old bat, who's sapping my will to *live*!"

"Not good. I went to step up on a curb, and it took me two tries."

"Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours."

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