GREAT FRASIER and NILES QUOTES.. and of course the rest of the cast


"What on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theater and men's fashions.…Oh, my God!"

"How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex *is* what we want!"

"I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth."

"You know what? Copernicus called and you are NOT the center of the universe!"

"At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinite decimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem."

"I'm a babe magnet!"

"I'm catnip!"

"I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!"

"Oh, Roz, plug in!"

"Let me tell you a little something about things I don't like: Boxing. Sporting events of any kind. Barbeques. Office parties. Buddy movies. Any dish made with marshmallows. Things that I do like: The opera. The symphony. Elizabethan revenge dramas, et cetera. So if you're no inclined in any of these interests, well, then frankly our association can be civil - at best."

"Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz."

"In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew!"

"Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now, whilst, on applause, a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles!"

"Niles. May I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group..."

"Lazy Guy? I wonder what they call the deluxe model...Hopeless Slacker?"

"Are you kidding? The man smells like a chum boat."

"Honestly, why does everyone feel I need companionship. What is this world coming to? What shall we do tonight Mr. Bottomsley?"

"My God! If I get any hotter I'm going to set off the sprinklers!"

"I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin. He said "What's the magic word?". He wasn't very amused when I said "Rest home"."

"I'm so angry i could kick a kitten through an electrical fan!"

"Right, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit with a pork chop around your neck!"

"Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee haw! Hee haw!"

Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays."

"Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. I love you too. Listen, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, bye bye."

"You know Niles, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way. Expose him to some of the finer things, so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur."

"Love is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined were possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love- it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it."

"I cut myself because I was shaving with no water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe who found bad pipes which called for Cecil who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!"

"Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!"

"Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt - the head of the Junior League - brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse."


"Her lips said 'no'... but her eyes said 'read my lips'"

"I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence."

"Are you mad? You don't proposition a woman like that on the first date! Last night after dinner, I dropped her home with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to handholding. If all goes well, in two weeks, I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood."

"Oh God, Frasier, we've stumbled into Hell's waiting room!"

"Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!"

"...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn’t hear."

"I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier – one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy."

"This country was built by gun toting square dancers."

"I'm late for a meeting with my multiple personality. Not to worry, if I'm late he can just talk amongst himself."

"And I stormed out and slammed the door! Of course, it was that fourteenth century Bavarian cathedral door, so I had to get two of the servants to help me, but what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance."

"Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening- approximately 5 ft 9¾, with skin the colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?"

"Frasier, I need to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe."

"That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane: when he gets going, you have to tune him out."

"Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost a whole star."

"Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting your name on five hundred thousand copies of this piffle. Not even piffle. It's piffle light."

"Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane again and no, we haven't taken leave of our senses. That bit of inspired lunacy you heard just before the commercial was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together on the dangers of over-medication. Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it dope!"


"Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

"In my day, when two people broke up you were mad, you were angry, you hated each other. What ever happened to the sanctity of divorce?"

"I thought I'd save those for special occasions, when only tassels will do."

"Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little liniment into each other’s joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch!"

"And then I become the joke of the department. Other cops left Kleenex on my desk! They called me "Boo Hoo Crane."

"Well, I've got news for him. I've got the guts. I've got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have four times the guts!"

"I do! When those ballet guys start flying around in those tight pants, I don't know where to look!"

"I call him "Eddie Spaghetti."

"It's nice to have someone stand up for old-fashioned values. Like sex. I mean, I'm no prude, but in my day sex was still something sacred and mysterious. Nowadays, you can't even turn on the television without hearing all this oh-oh-ah-ah stuff."

"Usually, I'm a proponent of telling the truth, but in this instance, I'd say lie, lie until your pants are on fire."

"Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago, you could have given him a much better swirly. These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones. So what did he do to you?"

"That is not a person, it's a bag of flour. There's an easy trick to tell the difference: people don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs."

"I'd say this calls for a toast. To my number one son. Congratulations on your first nomination for... well, anything. Frasier, I'm proud of you."

"I just want you to do what you said you were going to do. You know, you can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson..."

"Take me for instance. The old Martin woulda said, You're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewn up inside the body of a dead horse."


"I'm from England, the country that used to own you people."

"I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!"

"So, shall we go then? I've decided on Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken. I hear the chicken there is very good."

"Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over."

"I took his note, read it, and to this day, I can remember just what I said to that Man: "That's not how you spell ‘fellatio.’"

"Well, maybe if I had a go at it. You know, in the past year and a half I've come to have a pretty good understanding of how the Crane mind works - when it works!"

"You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page two and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper."

"Now that is downright rude. Hey, you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you! Stop that honking! Now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!"

"I must have fast eggs."


"No, I'm dating a sea-captain with a peg-leg and this makes it easier when we dance. [then] I broke it off in a sidewalk grate."

"It's just so weird. You go through life meeting people who are all the same. And they just think you're the same too. And then one day you meet this guy. But he's not the same, because he actually sees that you're not the same. And he knows, because he's the same way."

"That's it! I am outta here! Take a picture, 'cause I'm not in your life! You have seen the last of me! Sayonara! Oh damn, my purse!"

"I look like crap! I've got a spot on my dress, I over-plucked one eyebrow and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees."


"I once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said no... but I got him. I had to paint his toenails FOUR times, but I got him!"

"Yeah, so's Thorpe. Go figure. His wife's a cow and he still loves her."

"Hey, I have no sense of decency - that way my other senses are enhanced!"

"I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan, "Coffee, eggs and Bulldog."

"Hey-hey! I was one of the last guys out there! The money was running low, but! - there was still one rawhide chew toy out there for the Bulldog."

"Hey, where's my tickets to the Sonics game? They were here just a second ago. SOMEBODY STOLE MY TICKETS TO THE SONICS GAME! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S! THIS IS... oh, got 'em. Got 'em."

"...I had a slip, well it was two slips but they happened simultaneously so I'm counting them as one."

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